My year of firsts is over. Actually it was officially over Nov 9th 2010, but since I was in such a fog over the holidays last year, I prefer to include the 2010 holidays as well. My first complete calendar year without my soul mate and love of my life is over and I am actually somewhat stunned that I survived. The pain, sorrow, and loneliness of 2010 were at times unbearable and many a time I wished I did not survive. I know many widows struggle with this and I am not alone. Somehow I will push on.
Mid January, I had a visit to my former BFF’s house and I begged and pleaded for her to be in my life and support me through this most difficult time. In time I would realize it was to no avail, I received nothing and decided I needed to drop this friendship. Another loss to deal with.
I remember speaking to Jesse’s daughter, the one he did not raise because her mom and step-daddy dearest did that wonderful job, and informing her that her “Bio Dad” as she referred to him once, did not have a will and she is entitled to half of his estate. She assured me that I had lost enough and she did not want to take anything more from me. That all changed when it came time for her to sign and disclaim her share. She hired an attorney and sent word that she wanted her share and anything else she could get her hands on like his life insurance. I am still dealing with his estate, probate, and the repercussions of his poor planning.
His brother told me how he was going to be there for me during the first year and would help me emotionally and around my house. I learned rather quickly this would not be true and he is just all talk like most people. He specifically told me that he would be there to support me for Jesse’s birthday in April, but when I called to check in with him about it, he had made plans with his girlfriend. So I went to the cemetery alone and visited with my dead husband all by myself on his birthday. And while there, I received a text, yes a text, from my former BF about this event. I could not believe she did not have the courage to pick up the phone and actually call me on this most horrible day. I think it was then that I decided I did not need a friend like this, I would much rather have enemies.
I wept and cried deeply on Father’s Day as I was sad that he would never have the relationship with his daughter that he so desperately wanted. In the time that I knew him, he tried in vain to connect with her, but she seemed to want nothing to do with him. And how could he compete with step-daddy dearest who spoiled her and gave her everything? I cried for Pops too. His only grandchild and she would not give him the time of day (his words).
I survived my birthday with the love and support of my sister P. She has become my new BFF and I can really say that she has been the only blessing in my loss as we have grown closer than ever.
I survived our anniversary with lots of tears and Rod Stewart, just like our wedding day. I sat on the glider in the spot where we were married and remembered that blissful day and cried and cried that he is gone. That was one of the saddest days this year by far.
Halloween was tough too. Jesse loved Halloween and I set out to avoid it and then when I posted support to another widow on a forum I frequent where there are other widows and well spouses, I and another were judged and criticized for how we dealt with this holiday. I lashed out angrily at the person who was critical and whose husband is still alive and I was suspended from that forum for a week, the week of the first Sadiversary. I no longer post on that forum as there are too many unfriendlies.
My sister P came up again and supported me through the first Sadiversary. We went to the Oregon Coast to a little motel where Jesse and I had spent time. It was nice to be there and to have my sister with me as I got through this tough anniversary. It was the first time that I felt a shift from the gut-wrenching pain to a little bit of gratitude for the times we had.
Thanksgiving was just another day. I had one offer to not be alone, which I decided against because that person was acting very needy and I did not have anything to give. I had dinner with Pops and spent the rest of the day alone, which was preferable than trying to “on” or “there” for others.
And Christmas was tough this year. I wrote about it already. See My Second Christmas Without My Love.